Infertility…what is infertility? Medical professionals would define it as ” The inability to become pregnant after having unprotected sex for 1 year”. Those of us who have struggled with infertility have a very different definition for it.
When I met my husband I was a single mother to an already 5 year old little boy. My husband instantly fell in love with my son, in fact, he will even tell you he fell in love with him before me! Shortly after getting together and becoming more involved with my son Justin knew he wanted more kids, and we began trying for a baby. I know, I know…am I crazy or something! He and I hadn’t been together very long, but when your with the one you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with well…you just know.
And so hell begins…
A month after trying for a baby I wasn’t pregnant yet. It didn’t bother me because I knew it could take some time. My husband on the other hand was upset. He was hoping it would be an instant thing. Like, WHAM-BAM-PREGNANT, give me my baby…kind of thing. I re-assured him that we will get pregnant it just could take a little time, not everyone get’s it the first try. So, we kept trying….and trying…and trying….AND TRYING. That month turned into 2 months, which turned into 3 months, that led to 6 months and still not pregnant. I’m not going to lie when we reached the 6 month mark I was getting depressed, but, I couldn’t show that sadness. As sad and upset as I was my husband was 1,000 times worse. I had to stay strong for him, and keep up the “it’s going to happen honey, don’t give up”. Even though, I, myself wasn’t believing what I was telling Justin.
6 more months of emotional HELL
Month 7 and 8 went by. Still not pregnant. By month 9 I was starting to crack and Justin had lost all hope. He even had himself convinced that the reason we weren’t getting pregnant was because God hated him, so he was punishing us. Encouraging words had lost their affect on Justin. Nothing seemed to pull him out of his funk. The 10th, 11th and 12th months were the same, with the same results. The depressing results of still not pregnant and zero hope left in us.
Time to do something about it
After a year of being unsuccessful at getting pregnant we decided to seek help. We found a Fertility Specialist close to where we live and made the soonest appointment we could get with them. After explaining to him how long we had been trying he ran a series of test’s on us. He checked Justin’s sperm count, which we found out was low. He gave me the full check-up from the rooty to the tooty and every crack in between. Once he had finished all his testing he had came to the conclusion he would try an IUI on us first. What’s an IUI? IUI is an Intrauterine Insemination, meaning they take the sperm and put it in past the cervix. Kinda giving it an extra boost past everything. But before we could do that I had to start taking pre-natal pills, and be checking my body temperature because he could not do the IUI until I was ovulating.
We left the doctors office with a list of things to get, to do, and a $900 tab. I immediately started taking the pre-natal pills and over the next few weeks began tracking my body temperature, as well as ovulation. When ovulation hit we went back to his office to have the IUI procedure done.
The longest week wait…ever…
Now we had to wait a week to find out if it worked. Talk about the longest week ever. I thought that week would never end BUT it did finally! It was time to have blood work done to see if the IUI had worked and if I was pregnant. After having the blood work done we had to wait a few more days for the results! Ughhhhh! Are you kidding me doc! What seemed like an eternity later but was only 3 days we got the results back. It had failed. We weren’t pregnant. Anger, frustration, depression, sadness, they had all went away during this process but now were back again. Our doctor had been pretty hopeful that the IUI would work too. His next suggestion after it failed was IVF but it was going to be costly. Did you know that IVF Procedures can cost on average tens of thousands of dollars and more.
With the cost of IVF being so expensive what were we supposed to do now? We didn’t have $10,000+ for IVF. Our doctor had one other option to help with the cost of IVF. Egg donor. I could donate my eggs to a couple needing them and in return they cover half the cost of the procedure. My husband was all down for this, me, nope not so much. Look call me selfish if you want but those are my eggs. I’m trying to have a baby with those and if I can’t have a baby with them then no one is. Justin and I eventually decided not to be egg donors and quit seeking help all together. We had told each other that we weren’t going to get pregnant and that we should just move on with our life. All the while I’m saying this but secretly holding out a small glimmer of hope that it will still happen.
The next couple years
After saying I’d given up on it, even though secretly I hadn’t, the next few years my emotional state just kept getting worse. To the point I was emotional all the time, over everything. It didn’t help that everyone and their dog that I knew was getting pregnant. Friends, family, wives of people my husband worked with, EVERYONE. And the whole time I had to wear a fake smile pretending I was “SOOOO” happy for them when I was dying on the inside. I couldn’t show this, I couldn’t express how it really made me feel or I would of been a “BITCH” for not being happy for them. But yet none of them, I felt, took into consideration what I was going through mentally and emotionally. Yet I had to be so supportive of them? It wasn’t fair. That’s when the why’s came into play. Why? Why? Why can’t I have a baby? Why can’t I get pregnant? Why does God hate us? Why? Why? Why?
It didn’t get easier…
The upcoming years didn’t get easier. But now we were dealing with the ignorant and thoughtless questions from everyone. I compiled a list of the few we’ve heard throughout this whole process.
I mean seriously, people had no damn filter when it came to what they said to us. As if it was ok they said these things because they were a friend or a family member. Well newsflash everyone IT IS NOT OK TO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS especially to those who struggle/struggled with infertility. If at any time you should feel the urge to say one of these do us all a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP! Ok? There came a point during all of this that I was being made to feel like we were purposely trying to not have a baby. Like we obviously don’t want a baby or else we would of had one by now. I was getting to the point of ” I’m glad you had no trouble getting knocked up and have 6 kids, I’m so glad it was soooo easy for you, can you rub it in my face anymore, please don’t stop you’ve gone this far why not give the knife to my heart the final shove”.
After a storm there’s a RAINBOW!
Fast forward to October 2015. It was Halloween night. We took the kids to the fall festival at the elementary school. By this day I should of started my period but hadn’t. I didn’t think anything of it. Sometimes I’m a day or two late. It happens. 10 days later I still hadn’t started. At the beginning of October I had started taking a new depression medicine so when I still hadn’t started 10 days after Halloween I looked up my medicine to see if there were unusual effects from it. Turned out women had reported missing their periods for months at time while taking this medication. They’d think they were pregnant just to take a test to find out they weren’t.
Oh no sir. I don’t think so. It took me years to mentally heal, all be damned if I am going to take a medicine that will make me miss my period and think I’m pregnant. I decided I was going to talk to my doctor about getting a new medicine but, before I went, I figured I should take a test that way after I told the doctor I was 2 weeks late and he asked “Are you sure your not pregnant?”, I could say “No I’m not I already took a test”. You know be one step ahead of the doctor.
I didn’t want to but
I went to the store and got the only box of test’s they had which was a 3 pack, went home and took the test. Now, when I took the test I literally peed on the stick, put the cap on it, set it on the counter and walked out of the bathroom forgetting about it for a 1/2 hour. Because I was so certain I wasn’t pregnant. A 1/2 hour later I thought angrily to myself “let me go check the stupid test so I can tell the stupid doctor I’m not pregnant”.
Instead of calling the doctor to make an appointment to change my medication I was needing an appointment for a blood test. The test, in fact all 3 test’s showed I WAS PREGNANT!! All these years of trying and I had 3 sticks on the counter saying “Pregnant”. My husband and I were in disbelief. We wanted a blood test to be done to make 100% sure they were correct. I didn’t want to get my hopes up just for a blood test to show I wasn’t really pregnant. The blood work results came back the next day. When I answered the phone my doctor’s word were ” You are most DEFINITELY pregnant”. I cried, Justin cried. After all these years of trying we were going to have a baby!
What is a Rainbow Baby?
Most consider a “Rainbow Baby” a miracle baby that a woman has had after the loss of another baby. But this is not always the case in my opinion. 5 1/2 years after trying we had our miracle baby, our Rainbow Baby. I know it’s hard, believe me, I know. Never give up. God has a plan for all of us, even though at times it’s hard for us to believe it. Just know that you aren’t alone in this, there are so many others like us that have been or are in your shoes.
Our Rainbow Baby
Keep your faith. Trust in God. And never give up!